My son, the headbanger

Toddlers. Little people with a lot of emotions and opinions, but who lack the proper vocabulary with which to express themselves. As a result, they lash out. It would seem their tantrum styles are as varied as they are.

• One of my nieces kicks. Especially if she's being held. That tends to wind in disaster, especially if her father or one of her uncles is holding her. 
• I've seen other kids at day care launch anything they can get their hands on across the room.
• Biters may possibly be the worst. Though they be but little, their teeth are sharp and their jaws are powerful.

C tends to channel an 80s hairband god and bang his head. This sometimes means falling backwards on the floor (most of which is carpet in our house). In the car (or high chair) he likes bonking his head backwards against the headrest. This weekend's tantrum though, took the cake.

He tried to Judo chop the side rail of his crib with his forehead.

But instead of successfully pulling off his new "Daniel-son" move (if you don't get this reference, you're too young), he realized that head + wood + force = pain.

Maybe this is one of his first physics lessons. Probably not.

After ensuring he was okay, no visible lump or bruising, the first words out of my mouth were, "Now what did we learn?"

I wonder how Ricky mastered ventriloquism so quickly. 

Sadly, I doubt this lesson will sink in. At least not yet. Someday though. In the meantime, maybe we should invest in some helmets.

A friend in need...

Ricky said something the other day that made me think:

"It seems like we, both of us, only have friends in our life while we're of use to them. Once they no longer need us, they're out."

After thinking about it a bit, that does seem kind of true - for the most part.

We do have a couple of friends who have been in it for the long haul (ironically, most of whom currently live in London - and who have invited us to recent events in KC but we've had to say "no" to the sanctioned things. Doesn't mean we can't hang out still while you're home, we're just out for Memorial Day weekend!!), but for the most part our past friends have only been so when convenient for them.

That's not to say that they did it intentionally, at least I hope not, but there have been a number of times when I've continued to try to make the effort only to be ignored.

I wonder what it is about us that leads to this...

Should I take this more personally?

It feels like a normal person probably would. But for some reason it doesn't really bother me that much. I enjoyed my time with them while it lasted, but I guess we're just at different places in our lives now. It doesn't make me miss them any less, or feel any less lonely at times, but yeah...

It just kind of is what it is.

I hate that saying. But it's true.

I guess this is an instance when being an extroverted introvert by nature comes in handy. I'm okay with "being alone." I get my social needs out of the way at work and then can go home, decompress and hang out with my favorites.

Still, I kind of miss my friends.

Sometimes.

I wonder if they ever miss me.

A puzzlement

To have another kid, or not. That is the question.

With C being 19 months old, Ricky and I are starting to toss around the idea of having a second kid. If we did, we wouldn't want them to be too far apart in age. That combined with both of us being 30+ now, if we're going to go that route it needs to be sooner rather than later lest we wind up being old parents.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're already going to be in our upper 40s when C graduates high school. Would prefer not to push that into our 50s if we can avoid it.

We're both pretty torn. We would love to have another little bit in the house, but daycare is expensive. We're comfortable, but not as much so as we would like.

Then I have my own personal concerns. C is wonderful, but my experience bringing him into the world wasn't. I had late developing ICP and pre-e. My labor was moving incredibly fast (at first) until my blood pressure got so high that I was on the verge of stroking out. They had to bring it to a halt and then start it up again with pitocin. That combined with a missed epidural (twice) led to a spinal headache which made the first week of C's life the most miserable I've ever felt.

Birth PTSD? I may have it. Maybe.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Maybe.

I had similar anxiety before I got pregnant last time, until we just decided to rip the band-aid off and see what happens. I get the feeling it may come down to that sort of decision again this time.

I just wish I was more confident in what was right.

Indecisiveness sucks.

Broadmoor

I now work in an office with easy access to windows and an electric convertible desk. What witchcraft is this?

I love my new office space. I love my company. I think this is the happiest I've ever been in my professional life.

End of story.

(And knocking on all the wood possible so as to not jinx anything!)

Daycare

It's official, we've entered the clingy, shy stage with C this week.

Every morning when I've gone to drop him off, he's practically glued himself to me once we hit his classroom. Normally, he runs in as if he can't get to the toys fast enough. Yesterday as I was giving him a hug goodbye, he practically climbed me like a tree as I tried to pass him off to one of his room's teachers.

Don't get me wrong, I love the extra snuggles that the (normally) daddy's boy is giving me, but it makes it that much harder to leave him when his big hazel eyes fill with tears and he lets out a heart-rending wail as I walk away.

At least he's not the only one going through this right now. His "buddy" Lucas seems to be in the same phase. Lucas' mom, Lisa, and I frequently exchange knowing glances in the morning as our boys seem fine only to wind up to meltdown mode as we try to leave the room.

On the plus side, I definitely don't mind when he runs to me at pick up time. That? That is easily the best part of my day.

The wrong side of the bed

Happy Friday! Well, for most people it is. Apparently the Leesmann men of KC failed to get that memo this morning.

This morning was rough as both Ricky and C were grumpy. C, who normally wakes up and contentedly talks to himself until we get him out of the crib, started fussing as soon as Ricky went in to grab him. I wonder if he's got another tooth getting ready to break through, but seeing as C's vocabulary is a bit limited still it's not like he can fill us in on what's going on with his body.

Ricky woke up a bit earlier than normal due to not being able to sleep, so honestly this should have been my first indicator. The second should've been the fact that he was pestering C after breakfast. Not in a mean way, but in a way that's a dead giveaway that he was a big brother growing up. He's done this to me before, too, so I get how frustrating it can be to go through. Especially since I tend to be an angry crier, which just exacerbates everything. No bueno.

C's not really crazy about his sippy cup being on his high chair tray if he's not actively using it, but Ricky kept teasing him by putting it back on the tray after C tried removing it. This just led to five minutes or so of the back and forth of Ricky putting the cup on the tray, C whining and trying to remove it, lather, rinse and repeat.

Finally fed up with it, I just removed the cup so it was closer to me. Unfortunately both of their moods continued through the getting ready to leave process. C whining, Ricky acting off. It's not fun. And if you've read previous entries, you can probably guess that I ended up snapping at Ricky (which I'm not proud of, but it happens).

He ended up simply saying bye and walking from the garage back into the house. No goodbye kiss or "love you" for me. Sucks, but I get it.

With a defeated sigh I turned and got in the car. C seemed content enough on the way to school so hopefully his mood will be better when I pick him up. Ricky, due to the stressful nature of his job, I won't hold my breath. Maybe his mood will improve after he works out and mows the lawn. After all, "endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill their husbands." Or... annoy their wives and kids in this case.

I wish there was a way I could help my guys feel better when they get into these funks. I don't like seeing people, especially my people, unhappy. But I'm only one person, and sometimes bad moods just need to be worked through. Hopefully this is one of those times that the working through is quick.

Bookshelf II

Normally I'm a speed reader. I have been all my life. But I just finished a book that took me two months to read: Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.

I've been really into memoirs for the past couple of years, and I saw Gretchen speak at a work event back in February. I didn't think her presentation was as funny as the other speakers, but I didn't think she was horrible either - she was okay. So when I found I could get two of her books for the price of one from the event on Amazon I thought I'd give her a shot.

I wanted to like the book, really I did, but I had the hardest time getting into it.

I wonder if that's because I saw a lot of myself in her and her admitted faults. Like her, I'm quick to judge and I like to "debate" (Ricky just calls me argumentative - I, of course, disagree). Maybe she's just not enough of a difference in personality for me to see it as a form of escape (or walking in someone else's shoes) to enjoy - reasons I prefer Jen Lancaster and Jenny Lawson better. They've had all kinds of madcap experiences that are so out of my realm that they give me something to think about (and in Jen's case, the sort of person I wouldn't mind learning from/befriending).

I dunno.

Maybe it's that, but maybe it also has to do with the fact that she's a bit of a research nut and included a lot of that and comments from her blog in the book that slowed things down for me. Research is great and all, but I don't need to know the nitty gritty about it. Hit me with your best quotes you've found and then move on to your perspective again.

I dunno.

At least she gave me a new way to look at the idea of resolutions. They're different from goals. A goal has a tangible end. A resolution should be on-going and something to continually work on/toward. 

I still have her other book to read, but I'm going to take a break from Gretchen for a bit and read The 5th Wave and its sequel next. Ricky's been waiting for me to read those since we got them. Maybe Better Than Before will truly be better. One can hope.