A friend in need...

Ricky said something the other day that made me think:

"It seems like we, both of us, only have friends in our life while we're of use to them. Once they no longer need us, they're out."

After thinking about it a bit, that does seem kind of true - for the most part.

We do have a couple of friends who have been in it for the long haul (ironically, most of whom currently live in London - and who have invited us to recent events in KC but we've had to say "no" to the sanctioned things. Doesn't mean we can't hang out still while you're home, we're just out for Memorial Day weekend!!), but for the most part our past friends have only been so when convenient for them.

That's not to say that they did it intentionally, at least I hope not, but there have been a number of times when I've continued to try to make the effort only to be ignored.

I wonder what it is about us that leads to this...

Should I take this more personally?

It feels like a normal person probably would. But for some reason it doesn't really bother me that much. I enjoyed my time with them while it lasted, but I guess we're just at different places in our lives now. It doesn't make me miss them any less, or feel any less lonely at times, but yeah...

It just kind of is what it is.

I hate that saying. But it's true.

I guess this is an instance when being an extroverted introvert by nature comes in handy. I'm okay with "being alone." I get my social needs out of the way at work and then can go home, decompress and hang out with my favorites.

Still, I kind of miss my friends.

Sometimes.

I wonder if they ever miss me.

A puzzlement

To have another kid, or not. That is the question.

With C being 19 months old, Ricky and I are starting to toss around the idea of having a second kid. If we did, we wouldn't want them to be too far apart in age. That combined with both of us being 30+ now, if we're going to go that route it needs to be sooner rather than later lest we wind up being old parents.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're already going to be in our upper 40s when C graduates high school. Would prefer not to push that into our 50s if we can avoid it.

We're both pretty torn. We would love to have another little bit in the house, but daycare is expensive. We're comfortable, but not as much so as we would like.

Then I have my own personal concerns. C is wonderful, but my experience bringing him into the world wasn't. I had late developing ICP and pre-e. My labor was moving incredibly fast (at first) until my blood pressure got so high that I was on the verge of stroking out. They had to bring it to a halt and then start it up again with pitocin. That combined with a missed epidural (twice) led to a spinal headache which made the first week of C's life the most miserable I've ever felt.

Birth PTSD? I may have it. Maybe.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Maybe.

I had similar anxiety before I got pregnant last time, until we just decided to rip the band-aid off and see what happens. I get the feeling it may come down to that sort of decision again this time.

I just wish I was more confident in what was right.

Indecisiveness sucks.

Broadmoor

I now work in an office with easy access to windows and an electric convertible desk. What witchcraft is this?

I love my new office space. I love my company. I think this is the happiest I've ever been in my professional life.

End of story.

(And knocking on all the wood possible so as to not jinx anything!)